şiir. öykü, makale, deneme, tiyatro, masal, fıkra, anı, sohbet, röportaj yazılarının yayınlandığı uluslara arası yazar ve şairlerin katılım gösterdiği edebiyat sayfasıdır. Uyum platformudur.
HAYATIN ANLAMINI ARIYORUM
Hayatın anlamını arıyorum. Ve gece içinde yağmur olmasa,hani şöyle rüzgar odalarımın perdelerini havalandırmasa ve karanlık bir hayalet gibi ortalıkta zamana karşı ağlamasa anlayacağım. Ayrılık birbaşına yalnızlığı anlatıyor bana. Dinliyorum. Hani bir nokta bulur insan dalıp gittiği yerde. O nokta ona konuşuyormuş gibi gelir. O anlatır sen hep ona bakarsın. Aklına takılmayan jenerik yoktur.
Bir ucu yanık teknoloji mektuplarının son durağıdır ayrılık. Düşünürümde hep aynı yerde durur. Biten her cümlenin en sonunda. Biri başlar biri biter. İçimden ne kuşlar göçer oysa. Mevsimi darmadağın eden yaz gecelerinin terasta oturduğum ve yıldızlarına karıştığım cümleleridir ayrılık bana. Hüzün anlamsızdır oysa ki. Hep beklersin hayatında birşeyleri. Sanki o çok uzaklardan yolları katlayıp sana gelecekmiş gibi tatlı bir tebessümle imzalar gözlerini. Her gece aynı yerde oturup seyrederim gecenin ışıklarını. Ayrılmak bitip gitmekmidir acaba. Yitip yokolmak mı. Her gece perdelerimi uçuran rüzgar yoktur oysa. Oysa sabah yine aynı sabah,akşam yine aynı akşam.
Kaldırımlarda kilometre taşına vurulan bedenimin katettiği yolculuklara alışması gibi birşey bu. Alışmak en zorudur düşündüğüm. Alışırsın,kaptırır gidersin kendini yelkenlerine martılar konan teknelerin hızında hayata.
Dalgaları aşıp sığınacak bir liman bulduysan sana umut vardır. Ayrılığı unutmaktan yana. Zaman ister bu. Sadece yaşabileceğine emin olmak istediğin masum bir zaman. İlerisini hayal etmek istediğin ve paylaşılmak kavr***** kendini adapte edebildiğin bir zaman.
Psiko dengelerin alt alta,üst üste sıralanıp her yüzün kendisine ait olan odalarında uykusuzluktur ayrılık. Bana öyle gelir ve dengelerin yarışı başlar, ne gece ne sabah dinlemeden. Yüreğim acıya çoktan alışmıştır oysa.
Alışkanlık zor dedirten ayrılığın son noktasındadır. Bakar durur gözlerinin içine ama sen anlayamazsın. Kimse anlamak zorunda değil beni diye düşünürüm bende çoğu zaman. Hem anlasa ne olur, anlamasa ne olur. Okusada okumasada unutulur gider insanın içinde o kendisini kabul ettirmek isteyen zamanın kabul edilemez dürtüsü.
Bağırırsın ya belki duyan olur. Duysa ne olur onuda bana söyle. Kaç karış büyürsün bu hayata. Kaç karış mezarın olur. Herşey gözlerimin önünde işte. Duvarların yalnızlığı, ışıkların anlamsızlığı, karamsarlığın yüreğine saplanan bir bıçak gibi yalpalayıp duruyorum kendi cümlelerimin içinde. Bu kadar karamsar olma demek, hayat devam ediyor diyebilmek yarına sende kimsin demekten başka birşey değildir oysa.
Anlayan varsa cümlelerin başına geçsin. Ayrıldım demek zor,ve bir o kadar ayrılıyorum, bitiriyorum demek. Bunu başlarken düşünmek yada düşünememek daha zor aslında.
Bakıyorumda nelerle uğraşıyorum ben. Dünya almış başını gitmiş, yer yerinden oynuyor bense hala aşkın ağlarına takılmış bir sevda kuşunu oynuyorum. Yaşamak nedir hadi anlatın kendinize. Cümlelerin ardına sığınarak ağlayın hayata.
Seviyorum deyin, yarın nefret edin. Bugün yaşıyorum deyin,yarın yaşaşamaktan bıktım deyin. Ne derseniz deyin bende anlarım sizi. Kendimi anlamadığım kadar.
Şiirlerde yazılarda kuralsızlığı yükleyin sırtınıza çıkın yollara bakalım. Hep ayrı bir yüzde ayışığı, hep aynı yüzde ayrılığı tadacaksınız. Yaşadıkça bu korkunun içine sürüklenip acıyı ellerinden tutacaksınız. Mutlaka vardır bir yerlerde, herhangi bir cümle arkasında, alalade bir kelimenin kimsenin farkına bile varamadığı başlangıcında.
Hayatın anlamını bulamıyorum.
Ayrılık içinizde en çok beni vuruyor.
Ben ayrılık oluyorum.
Ancak hafifliyorum.
Dr. Zerda ONURLU
www.kafiye.net
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